Hey. Great. It had been almost a year ago since I wrote, but this account is still valid, unlike so many other things of my life that I used to have, just a year ago.

I think I'm whiny. And too much of a complainer.. And that makes me really.. as unlikeable as I had always described myself.

Thats all self-pity y'all know?

I have too much of it.

But how to get rid, they just pile up like some trash out of the sky.

 I owe someone an apology. An apology, hah how ironic cos' when an apology is typed out, it actually sounded small.
 I owe someone or alot of someones a great apology. Alright.
A great big one?

Now it would sound like it, the apology word.

Well, I kinda blow people off with.. this.. "Im so shit, I am of no help to myself" talk. And when they try to say good things to make me feel better, I contradict them and end up.. blowing them off, when they get to their limit of feeling that its insult. My friends did this to me before and now I am doing it, or I have been doing this to others.

Shuckers.

I guess I could shrug it all off, and move on with my life. But that way I'd end up losing alot, alot of friends that I could have cherished.

How do you face the fact that you're just not good enough?

With alot of self-pity that is.

And me typing here will not help one bit in my situation with, well that someone.

And then, there is always, always so many someones in our lives.

Great.
Now I even contradict myself.

My mood swings the way I changes the song thats playing on the computer.

the friendster blog i had so recently started writing in, fucked up. So back here i came, in all my freaking ass glory.
Fssh. Now that was an aggressive start. Not quite sure how this is gonna end though.

Fuss.
Today, or maybe yesterday was Yench's birthday, thought of him a little through the day, thought of wishing through the phone, but heck, ive got enough of it hanging up on me though it was only that one time, i am traumatised with calling him ever again. Hmm.

Yup who knows when im gonna grow out of being used by people?
I am only fifteen so far,  long way to go.
Screwed up at the starting point, but all i need to do now is to keep on going, no matter how bad things are.
Sure, sometimes we dont know and we forgot what or why we are going on for but, it gets better in all kinds of odd ways unimaginable, unexpected and when it hits you it would be undeniable. Most people know it, and we dont see them giving up, what they do is they get impatient and restless of their wait for that something in life, and thats where the wait turns misery.
While, there are some people who recognises it as a blink of hope from their lacking conditions of life, the only better thing to look forward to, its nauseating.

Oh Janicia, when you read this when you are a year older, i'm sure you'd understand what is so sickening now. Hope you'd be ridden off that by then. I'm sure, im sure.

it's 12.43 in the morning, and i still hadnt figured shit if there is a surprise maths test tomorrow. Either way, im not prepared and am not going to be.

Good night.

There are days when you feel like giving up everything. Every single God forsaken thing, then, there are days like this one, when you do some spring cleaning to your room, and you thought, " Well hey, ive made it so far, with so many things, why not go on and see whats in store?"
Days like today.

Sure, Aaron hasnt changed his mind about me, but, at least now, I had straightened up some priorities that is in extreme necessity at the moment.
Not actually, but that has always been in me, I never went by the common rules of studying, but at least, i never failed miserably in performing in exams. My maths skills still requires alot of sharpening but I should be alright.